Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize