We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
