im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
