Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
