Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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