Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
