I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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