I wish I could teleport
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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