sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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