Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I am naked and annoyed.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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