im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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