Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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