she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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