Can Purell be used as lube?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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