I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
