STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize