If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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