is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize