Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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