Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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