watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
