phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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