Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
