I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
