I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
