So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
