i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
