I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
