between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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