I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
