Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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