my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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