got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
