I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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