My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
