Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize