Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
