GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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