i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
