why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
