Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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