I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
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