just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
