I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
