I just made out with a guy for $7.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
