It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
