I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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