I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Dignity is for republicans.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
