May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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