I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize