If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
