I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
