is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
