Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
