so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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