Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
