there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize