you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
