Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
