I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
