it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
