I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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