There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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