Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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