no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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