Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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