Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
