4 words: hood of his car
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
