Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
