there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
