i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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