when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Blood and glitter go together right?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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