They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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